11-11-12

Sup Brotherz,

So this week was spankin, it's dunkgnar.  The big news mostly is the transfers--I'm only partially getting transferred.  I'm going to live in a ward that we already cover now, Lepale, and then I'm going to cover a new area as well--Leauva'a.  And then other missionaries are coming in to cover Aleisa 1st Ward and Aleisa 2nd Ward.  Leauva'a and Lepale are pretty far apart so we'll probably stay like one day in Lepale, one day in Leauva'a sort of thing.  Two cool things about both houses in Lepale and Leauva'a--Lepale is notoriously known for being haunted, and the house in Leauva'a is a legit fale o'o, meaning it is a hut with a roof made of coconut leaves and no walls.  So that's gonna be sick. 

My new companion is Elder Faitau.  I don't really know him.  I'm pretty sure he's a native Samoan--that's all I really know.  My comp now, Elder Ofisa, is getting transferred to Savaii.  In your last letter, mother, you asked me what Ofisa is like.  Ofisa is a good guy, sort of a 'fatsolardochickenliverbutthead', if you ask me.

The transfers are tomorrow, so I'll let you know next week about all the funk bones that go down.  This past week has been cool, I guess.  We still weren't able to get ahold of Fran.  I think she's been avoiding us.  Apparently she got a job in another village, so she's been busy with that.  And Fogalele left to Savaii and never came back.  So that was a huge bummer too.  We're still splitting with Elder Puipui.  That's been pretty fun.  We've been teaching a guy in his area--he's scheduled to be baptized this Saturday.  The thing is, is that his whole right arm is missing up past the elbow, so me and Puipui and Ofisa have been arguing about how you're supposed to do the baptism.  Haha, we still don't know.  I guess just say the prayer and then dunk him. 

I've been pulling more awesome pranks on Puipui this week too.  Like one day it was raining super hard and I locked him out of the car.  He was all like freaking out, "Please!, Please!!" in English with his little accent.  Haha, I was laughing so hard.  He was freaking out like he was going to die or something.  And then a few days ago, it was raining super hard when we were proselyting and Puipui had like a tiny speck of dirt on his back so I went to brush it off, forgetting that I had mud all over my hand.  Haha, I ended up leaving a big muddy hand print on his white shirt.  I was laughing so hard and then when I tried to explain it was an accident, he didn't believe me.  It was funny though. 

There's probably a ton more that I could say, but I'm not going to.  Also, our zone got in the mission newsletter this month.  Totally bones cool!  The guy on the right is one of the APs.  The rest are all the dudes in the zone.  They're actually all getting transferred.  I'm the only one left in the zone now. 

Have it dank,

Elder Beezlebub  

11-4-12

Sup Dudes,

I got a call from the office yesterday.  Apparently you bros sent me those SD cards?  You should check around the house, cause I'm pretty sure they didn't come in the package.  Perhaps I lost them without realizing it.  If that's the case, no worries.  I'll continue to look around, but I don't think they're here.  I assume you backed up all the pics on the computer.  If not, shame on you.  But it's no big deal, just look around and then get back to me cause I didn't see them in the package when it came.

Yeah, but this week, not a ton went down.  We went to Fran's twice this week.  Both times she wasn't there.  And then we had planned a family night for Sunday night, but she and her husband left somewhere so we had to cancel.  So I don't really know.  It seems like she's kind of avoiding us.  So we'll continue to pray for her and hope we can get ahold of her again.  She would be solid, she just needs to pray.  Something is holding her back.  We'll try and catch her this week.  Let's hope it goes down.

This week we've also been splitting with an elder in the zone, Elder Puipui.  His comp finished his mission, so he's been splitting with us until transfers which is in like two days.  We get the news tonight.  I'll probably stay.  My companion might get transferred though.  He's been in this area forever.  But I'll let you know next week what the bones are on transfers.  

Splitting with Piupui has been fun cause Puipui is the guy in the zone that I like to pick on.  When we were sitting at a visit, I pulled the awesomest prank on him.  I got him to look the other way by cleverly distracting him.  I was like, "look, that big tree over there!" and when he turned, I slipped a rubber cockroach into his cup of koko that he was holding.  Haha, he was like, "There's a cockroach in my tea!"  It was funny.  I totally pranked the HECK out of him.  By the way, thanks for the fake cockroaches.  I've been putting them to good use.  It actually works out cause there's tons of cockroaches in Samoa so it makes it more believeable.

Also, this past week I had a dentist appointment.  No cavities baby.  That means you owe me $25 bones.  A deal is a deal, friend.  I'm going to hold you to that contract until I'm an old man.

This past Saturday and Sunday was our stake conference.  Paulo Matofai, the guy I used to live with in Savaii gave a talk on behalf of the mission president cause he's the 1st counselor to the mish prez.  His talk was mega good.  I was stoked on it. Plus he gave me a "shout out", so you know I was stoked on his talk.  I think that's always my biggest hope when someone I know gives a talk, is somehow getting mentioned therein.  His wife and his kids were there too, so I sat and talked with them for like 20 minutes after the conference.  Those guys are seriously way cool.  I miss living with that family.  But yeah, dudes, there's nothing else to report on this week.

Oh yeah, Father, I tried to send you a coconut, but it didn't work.  I wasted like fifteen bucks in stamps on it too.  So the postal service in Pago Pago will totally send it (stamps stuck to the outside of the coconut), but the skunk-dunkers at the office in Apia thought it was like a joke and just threw it away.  So I was totally "T.O.'d"  But it's all good.  I'll try again but just give it to one of my boys in American Samoa and have them send it.  

Also in this letter I will include my Christmas wish demands.

Elder Eric "Squid Spunk" Johansen

DEMANDS:

2% milk, ice cream, pizza, watermelon, that one Manheim Steamroller CD that we listen to every year (not the lame one, the good one.  Get Ketpet to burn me a copy or something.  I think it's like "Manheim Steamroller Extraordinaire" or something like that), other good Christmas tunes (not Motab/not sucky ones), Christmas lights (just junky little ones to hang up in our house), Axe hair styling stuff--comes in a can like this (he drew a picture), a cheap wrist watch (less than ten bucks) just to slap on and tell time with (my last one broke and my 2 pocket watches got swiped), something that exudes the smell of potpourri (my brain associates it as the "Christmas smell"), a flash drive (4 gb) to steal all the good church songs off the laptop of my family in Savaii (I'm getting tired of Motab), Old Spice--the good kind

(At this point I'm really trying to think of something good cause I know I can milk mom for a lot on this one.  I'm the favorite child, the honey boy.  Plus I'm on a mission, so that even enhances it more.  I could pretty much get anything I wanted.  All the other siblings are just lame and not as well liked as the "bloatlo" child.)

MORE DEMANDS:

A poster sized photo of me and Theo to hang up in my house (the one with me holding Theo in my arms and giving a cute smile (Eric drew a picture of this photo), pens, teeth whitening stuff, some Richard Simmons video cassettes, ugly DI ties, a new shrunken head (Greg got stolen), Tres Leches cake mix, Nutella, good candy (Tropical Starburst, Milky Ways, Redvines, Swedish Fish, etc.)

Yeah, I can't think of anything else.  Really I don't need any of this stuff.  Just get whatever you want.  Don't go overboard.  I always feel bad when I ask for a bunch of stuff and then you actually get it.  There's nothing I really need or want specifically.  It's all good here.  If you get the chance, though, maybe spank some cash aside for my college.  That would be nice.  I'm planning to try and get a job right when I get home and work until the spring semester, but even then I'm not sure if I'll have enough cash.  But if money is tight, no worries too.  Like the common Samoan proverb says, "If you don't keep your bones polished and clean, you may lose them amongst the willows."

The Fresh Prince of Samoa

10-28-12

Salutations!
Not a ton for this week unfortunately. Really this week mostly I was sick.  It was the suckiest.  I got sick early in the week and it wasn't until like Friday that I started feeling better.  I was just like throwing up and having stomach problems--it was lame.  But I'm good now though, so it's cool.  It was probably just something I ate. The only other thing that happened this week is that we were able to visit Fran.  We found out that she had been reading the Book of Mormon, but she hadn't been praying.  So that was good/a bummer.  So we talked to her about the priesthood and stuff because she had questions, and then we talked about the importance of prayer.  And then on Sunday she came to church--I was stoked.  We had a chance to talk to her for awhile afterward.  She really enjoyed it.  She said she especially liked the talks that were given.  So I thought that was good.  She is, however, incredibly perceptive.  She picks up on every little detail of things.  Like she said, she didn't like how hardly anyone was paying attention when the people were giving their talks.  She didn't like how some of the girls came with messy hair and didn't look neat and like a bunch of stuff like that.  She was right too--it just reminds us that we don't know who's watching and that we should look and act our best at church.  Fran is also really beginning to open up to us and to trust us.  Apparently the member lady she lives with is causing her problems and actually pushing her away.  It's kind of a bummer cause there's not much me and my companion can do about it.  But we just told Fran to be patient and to talk to her about things.  


Fran continues to tell us that she doesn't believe the church is true, yet I can see a testimony growing in her.  She's grown to really love our visits, and she said she doesn't confide in anyone, not even her husband.  Yet she trusts us enough to confide in us.  I have a really strong feeling about Fran.  She could be a strong member of the church someday.  But, like I said before, she still has a long way to go too.  She smokes and drinks and stuff and that's something we haven't even talked about yet.  It was interesting though, on Sunday when we were visiting with her she said she wants to turn a new page and go back to the "old Fran" she used to be before she got into smoking and drinking and those sorts of things.  So that's awesome.  


It's good though.  It's been really cool to have been working with Fran these past few weeks.  It's cool to come out on a mission and have the opportunity to help people like this, and to see the progression in their lives.  I'll let you know next week if she prays and receives an answer.  I'm really hoping she does.


Anyways, "The sun's not yellow, it's chicken."


Elder Johansen
The Freshest Prince of Samoa

10-21-12

Sup Zeek,
Thanks for the letter.  I'm doing quite good, thanks.  I was quite befuddled and flabbergasted to receive a letter from you, I must say!  You must understand, Zeek, I was quite astonished!  Everyone thought you had died in the big gas explosion.  It was all over the news!  They said that all that was left of you was a charred piece of your tail!  Nevertheless, old friend, I am glad to hear you are happy and well.  Remember when you ate that entire block of cheese?  Those  sure were some good times.  To answer your question, Zeek, I haven't seen Theo for over a year now.  You may be shocked to hear this, but after I left to serve a mission, some bad people got their hands on him and sold him to one of those awful slavery camps like you see in the movies.  I truly am sorry to be the one to tell you this, Zeek.  Theo was a friend to us all.  And I know you two were particularly close.  That's why I feel like I should let you know.  It makes my face burn hot with angry tears every time I think about what those people did.  Never lose hope, Zeek.  It is hope that keeps us alive.  There's still good in this world, Zeek, and it's always worth a fightin' for. 

Anyways Z, this week was actually pretty good.  On Tuesday we went on a split with the mission president.  That was interesting.  We got a call the day before from the APs saying that the mission president was going to split with us for the whole day.  So, of course, we cleaned the house mega good and spit shined everything really clean.  I even got dehydrated from spitting so much.  But I guess it wasn't a very good idea cause the mission president asked why there was spit all over the walls.  No worries though.  We were quick on our feet and came up with a good excuse:  "It was already like that."  Nah.  But really it was actually super good.  He came in the morning and we did our normal studies and then we went out and did visits.  It was pretty normal.  Most of the time the mission prez didn't even talk, only rarely really.  But it was good.  I actually learned a lot from him.  Our mission president is a way cool guy.  I accidentally called him "bro" once.  He asked me to back him out and I said, "Yeah, Bro, I gotcha" without thinking.  But he's dope though--he just laughed.  And we forgot to take down the picture of the Backstreet Boys on the fridge that Katie sent me.  Under it my comp had written in dry erase marker, "I love Nick  XOXO--Johansen."  And when the president got here he was like, "Who's Nick?"  I think he was just kind of weirded out actually.  It seemed like he was split between laughing or chastising us.  But he ended up just not saying anything about it.  Haha.  But really other than that, nothing crazy happened.  He gave us a lot of good advice and stuff, so it was good.  I feel like I learned a lot.

Also this week we picked up a new investigator, Fran.  Fran is way tight.  I'm stoked on Fran.  How we found her is that we went to go visit this less-active family just to see how they were doing.  But we get there and nobody was really there, but we heard someone out back.  So we went back there and there was Fran.  I guess it turns out she lives at the house.  We just didn't know.  So we pretty much just talked to her forever and eventually she started asking questions and stuff and it sort of just turned into a lesson.   She speaks really good English too, so it was kind of weird.  At first I was kind of freaked out cause I don't really know how to teach in English and I had no idea what to say so mostly I just spoke in Samoan cause that's what I'm used to.  But anyways, the first lesson was pretty good.  We ended up sharing with her the message of the restoration, so the first lesson was okay.  I was pretty happy with it.  But it was when we came back on Saturday--that visit was the bomb.  I could go into tons of details, but I can't really remember.  Pretty much the first little bit was just a lot of bible bashing (she's Seventh Day Adventist) and arguing and stuff.  And I wasn't really saying much.  I was kind of just sitting there, but I was praying to know what to say and I felt impressed to share with her the scripture from Alma 32 that talks about faith.  And so we each read a few verses and went through most of the chapter.  It was mega good though.  You could just see the difference when the spirit was present.  And I especially emphasized verse 27 that says to just exercise a little of your faith to experiment on the words.  Cause the first visit with her we invited her to read and pray, but she hadn't kept the commitment.  So then we re-invited her to read and pray, to use her faith and experiment on our words to see if it's true.  At the end of the lesson she said she really hopes that it is true and agreed to read and pray sincerely to know for herself.  There was a ton of other stuff that happened.  It was actually a really long lesson, but it was just awesome.  The spirit was just so strong--you could really felt it.  It was super good.  So I have high hopes for Fran.  Really right now we're just working with her to gain a testimony of it herself because she actually has a ton of other problems and issues.  And Satan is working really hard against her because she said she feels the spirit when we visit, but there is something that keeps telling her "No."  She said it's like an internal struggle pulling her both ways.  So you can definitely tell the adversary wants to drag her away. 

Also, a lame thing that happened during the lesson--the member guy that lives there came in and interrupted the lesson and started asking pointless questions and talking about stuff that was irrelevant.  And then he left and right after, his wife came in and did the same thing and was sort of just taking everything lightly and making it like it was a big joke.  Fran was sort of just confused and she was like, "what are they talking about?"  And my companion was just like, "Oh, I don't know what she's saying."  Cause the lady was like, "when are we gonna take her up and get her baptized?"  But we hadn't even talked about baptism yet.  Anyways, it's not a big deal.  Fran is just super sensitive to anything little like that and until she gains a testimony of it herself, even the littlest stuff is gonna pull her away.  So yeah, members are good most of the time, but sometimes they do more damage really.  No worries though.  I'll let you know next week what happens though.  I'm really hoping and praying that she will have the faith to read and pray.

So yeah, that was good.  Also this past week we did the baptisms for Edna (Ena) and Faletolu.  Apparently Ena's name is actually Edna.  It's just hard to tell the difference in phonetic terms in Samoan.  It wasn't until I looked at her birth certificate that I saw it was actually Edna.  Anyways, the baptisms were really good.  That was a good day.  We had a tight lesson with Fran, and then right after we went to our baptisms, so that was defcool.  Pretty much this week was just a good week overall--just really spiritually uplifting. 

Also, a weird thing that happened--we went and visited this old dude in our Aleisa 2nd Ward one of the days this week.  I forget his name.  It was the first time meeting him.  But as I go to shake his hand, he holds it for a half second longer and then leans his head in slowly and gently kisses my hand.  Haha, he was just this crazy old guy.  It was pretty funny though.

Also, I saw my family from my first area in Samaka on Saturday--I was so stoked.  They just randomly drove by when me and my companion were parked on the side of the road.  It was sweet though.  They gave me a bag of mangoes.  I guess the guy, Paulo, had to go give a talk at a conference for one of the other stakes on behalf of the mission president cause he's the first counselor, I think.  But anyways, so that was cool.  They said they miss me and Jackson cause sisters live there now and they're not nearly as cool as me and Jackson. 

Anyways, this letter is way too long.  Be a good boy, okay, Zeekie?
Spank it easy,
Elder Johansen

10-14-12

Sup Spankos,
This week was spunkbones with beebop and rock steady crushin' skulls.  It was like going to a Nickelback concert when Smashmouth comes out as a live guest and they play "look at this photograph" and "Hey now, you're an all star" back to back.  It was like hittin' the dunes with Buck Davis and telling all the sissies to "cowboy up."  This week was like grooming a fine-trimmed mustache and pronouncing the word pillow like "pellow."  It was like rubbing together a scumbone and a robot button, which will create sparks with which a person could kindle a small fire if he were experienced enough.  This week was like doin' a back wizz on the down rail at the smorksesh. 

But yeah, so it was good.  Not much went down this week.  All is good in the area.  We've got two investigators who are for sure ready to be baptized this week--Ena and Faletolu.  Maybe Nikolao, but we haven't been able to get ahold of him.  And Fogalele is in Savaii visiting his parents.  He gets back this week sometime.  He called yesterday and told us that his parents are down for him to be baptized.  He said they don't care what church he goes to, just as long as he's going to church.  So we'll visit him when he gets back and see what the go is.

This week was General Conference for us in Samoa.  I was stoked.  For real, it was like the best thing ever.  You just get to go and chill and eat food and learn and feel the Spirit.  It's the best.  I really liked Elder Holland's talk on the Sunday session.  That dude is the bomb.  Pretty much it was all good though.  It makes for a dope weekend.  And some of our recent converts showed up, so I was stoked on that cause like hardly anyone went from the stake.  It was weakgnar. 

But it's cool.  Also this week we had a secret, special zone leader council.  I was surprised cause they usually only do it once a month, and we'd already done a meeting the week before.  But it turned out to be really good.  I guess a bunch of stuff has been goin' on within' the mish.  Three missionaries got sent home last week.  And two of them were sisters even.  There have already been a ton sent home this year and the mission president says there's probably more to come.  So it's just nutsobutso.  The mission president got email from one of the general authorities pretty much just chastising the whole mission saying that the behavior of the missionaries is unacceptable.  There's a lot of stuff that goes down among the missionaries that definitely shouldn't, so the mission president is kinda crackin' down.  It's getting better though.  The prez has made a lot of changes, so things are improving.  He's a way cool guy though--our mission prez is dope.

Other than that though, not much really happened this week.  I don't know if I've already mentioned this, but one thing about Samoans is that they're all susceptible to the freshest PRANX!  Wedgies, sternum boppers, "what's up dog?', "snew?", the works.  There's this one guy in our zone who is fun to pick on.  Anyways, so Puipui is that guy in our zone.  I filled up his shoes with shaving cream one time and when he put his foot in, it got all over his socks.  Or one time I put a big slimy mango pit in his pillow case and then that night he went to go to bed and there was slimy pits in there.  And for zone meeting once I assigned him to do everything for the meeting including the opening and closing prayers, to be the song leader and give the spiritual thought from the scriptures, give the spiritual thought from the handbook and teach the lesson.  Haha, poor Puipui.  He takes it really well though.  That's why he's fun to pick on.

Lately I've been eating tons of mangoes.  It's the best.  They're like massive and red--by far the best mangoes I've ever had.  I figure I may never be able to eat mangoes like this again cause I won't be here during mango season next year.  So, I'm going to take advantage of it.  Anyways, it's dankness.
Quit naggin the gnar,
Eric "The Fresh King" Johansen